Corona Daily 313: Mom’s House or Dad’s House?

Last month, a superior court of justice in Ontario, Canada had to rule on whether a father can exercise his rights and spend time with his daughter during the summer holiday.

Almaz Yohannes, the mother, lives in Toronto. Her ex-husband Florent Boni lives in France. They divorced in 2012. Their 10-year old daughter Selyana lives with her mother in Toronto. Selyana spends her school breaks, including six-weeks of summer holiday with her father in France. On hearing the mother was reluctant to send Selyana to France in these pandemic times, the father went to the French police complaining about the non-compliance of the order by his ex-wife. The mother then brought an urgent motion requesting the Ontario court to suspend the father’s rights during the pandemic.

The court decided that it was in Selyana’s best interest not to travel to France until the Covid-19 pandemic continued and the Travel Advisory was in place. Considering the extraordinary circumstances, it was practical to change the original parenting order. The father can exercise his access to Selyana in Toronto when he visits in the future.

The judge, who decided the case through a videoconference, also expected the parties to co-operate.

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Counselors and courts expect parents to co-operate, but in many cases the parents divorced because they couldn’t. 

Even when divorced or separated parents live in the same city, co-parenting has become complicated. In the USA alone, there are 8.3 million children co-raised by estranged biological parents. The historical norm of sole-mother custody is now replaced by equal or equitable custody. A child moves between two houses, staying for three days in one, four days in another every week. Some children spend alternate weekends with their father and mother. They don’t ever say “I’m going home”. It’s either “mom’s house” or “dad’s house”.

Since March, the children and their parents have faced several problems. Normally, the house swap happened at the school or a parent’s workplace. Now kids must be collected and dropped at the ex’s house. With restricted movement in lockdown, it was not clear if the agreed terms can be abided by. Michael Gove, the UK minister, had to clarify the lockdown restrictions didn’t apply to movement of minor children living in two houses.

A real frustration in co-parenting is that you don’t know what goes on in the other house. Is your ex’s new family as careful about handwashing and social distancing? What if the ex-husband’s now-wife is a nurse?

Family courts were initially closed, later virtual. For them, the joint custody disputes are not a priority over domestic violence cases. Courts worldwide take interference with custody and visitation seriously. A nasty parent can even file charges of kidnapping against the ex for not following the parenting order. Where relations are not cordial, co-parents are worried about unilaterally changing the agreed arrangements.

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Chloe Caldwell, 34, writes for New York Times. She stays with her stepdaughter, Louise, 10. For half a week, Louise moves to her mother’s house, where the mother lives with her current husband and children.

Since March, Louise started sleeping badly; many children do in the pandemic. She asked for a puppy as a companion. Chloe and her husband were not keen, but Louise’s mother was. In June, on Louise’s tenth birthday, her mother gave her a fluffy pandemic puppy, Bella. Caldwell’s poignant story about co-parenting a puppy ends happily with both Louise and Bella now moving every week between the two houses.

Ravi